Fits of rage

[Alohabirder]

Hi there, I am a new member. I am a caregiver for my husband, who is in end stage failure and preparing for dialysis (can't come too soon!). He has been experiencing some fits of rage. He says it seems to stem from something physical. It's hard on both of us. Any comments or advice? Thank you!

[sllena]

Perhaps it is his way of venting out. Dialysis is a huge life change and it is very overwhelming for the patient and their families. Love and support need to be always given. I also recommend support groups for you as well (like these forums). Another more serious factor to consider is that his electrolytes may be imbalanced which can either cause cramping or twitching of muscles. Thankfully you do plenty of labwork in dialysis. Hope this helps!

[cricketbass]

My prayers are with you. I, too, am a care giver. I manage the financial aspects, appointments, test results and his diet. Plus doing all the normal everyday chores. He has become violent, and sees nothing wrong with it. Tells me, it's his right be violent as he is sick. I know when I went through cancer, I didn't treat people like this. Any advice or thoughts on how to handle it? I'm so sad

[dicknh]

Could be his way of dealing with depression. He's going through a rough patch

[cricketbass]

Rough patch has been an understatement. At least the physical abuse has stopped. Thank God for that. Things have been further complicated by an not so clear plan from dialysis center to doctors.

[veritat]

Can relate. My husband is not physical, but verbally he can be insulting, disrespectful, very angry in the snap of a finger, as well as putting me down. In the same token, he has been second guessing himself about things I KNOW he knows. He has worked on cars forever, now he keeps saying I don't know how to do it, but I know he does, he also puts himself down. He's a good person going through a huge change, he needs to remember that I am also going through that change too, if in a different way.

[ajnk]

I'm going thru the same sort of thing with my husband. Just as u said about urs, he's very insulting and disrespectful a lot, he's angry a lot and he's also becoming paranoid. I keep trying to hang in there 'cause I know it's very hard for him, but's it's hard for me also.

[FSelders]

I am the care partner, my husband is the patient. I take care of everything as he is legally blind. He has been on dialysis for 20 years now, it has been hard on both of us,we've been on home hemo 4 years now. Recently, I just had a slight bout with depression b/c I really do everything physical in our home. I got really frustrated b/c he doesn't seem to realize I get depressed too. So I have to really fight(mentally), to keep from falling into depression. He tells me thank you and that he appreciates everything I do for him, and I know he does, I just don't feel it.There have been times when I wanted to walk out, but I've seen so many spouses & sig. others leave their ones. So, I want to encourage all care partners to pray & hang in there & I always say "that could be me". I also work full time, so I am doubly tired, but I am here by the grace of God. Be blessed.

[Vickymc]

Indifference

I have been having similar problems with my spouse/caregiver, but I'm the dialysis patient! Since starting dialysis five years ago, he has gradually written me off. There is too much to tell, but two professionals have told me that this is not uncommon. I do everything for myself. I dump the five gallon container of waste solution daily, gather my 6,000ml bags for home PD using the cycler, maintain my supplies, cook, shop, clean (as much as I can around the hoarding he does),plus work three/ten hour days in a daycare infant nursery. I also babysit five grandsons at times during the week, especially on Fridays when my daughter works.This "attitude" has escalated over the years since I had cancer in 2002. Whatever the cause,it's time to grow up! I can't feel sorry for him because of his emotional state, if there is one. I feel he just wants the inconveneince to disappear as he wanted all other conflicts in life to do the same. This has caused me to temporarily put my candidacy as a transplant recipient on "hold". Today is our thirty-ninth wedding anniversry & he has yet to say one word to me. Any others experiencing what I am? I'm also told that the rage you all speak of comes from the imbalace of everything in dialysis & the kidney failure. I haven't experienced this as yet;my frustration is in indifference. Thanks!

[mamasanford]

I am my husband's caregiver. I feel very fortunate not to have to struggle with indifference and/or anger. (Not saying I haven't bit my tongue more than once) We're coming up to the 2nd anniversary of life on dialysis. When I look back, I realize how far we have come.
I guess what I would like to say is that if you allow him to continue the behavior, nothing will change? Maybe it's time to step up and say that you would like some consideration and that rage WILL NOT be tolerated. You can leave the room/house perhaps, until the "hissy-fit" is over. It may take an hour or a day, YOU decide when to return. I'm betting that it won't take too long before the message is received?? Worth a try?
Vickymc, I'm so very sorry that this special day, wasn't better for you. Why don't you just treat yourself maybe get a nice potted plant for the garden, go out for lunch with a friend and let the housework wait. I would also tell your daughter to find a babysitter, if you weren't here she would have to??? She also needs a reality check and is taking advantage of you terribly!!!
..........and that's my two cents.
Mamasanford

[lovingwife1]

It makes me very sad to hear how hard it is for so many caregivers (myself included). We want so much to take away the pain and depression with which our loved ones suffer. It's very frustrating not to be able to wave that magic wand and make it all better. My husband is not abusive or inconsiderate so I guess I'm very lucky. I am the caregiver and he is in ESRD - diagnosed 6 months ago out of nowhere. He goes in and out of depression. It hurts me when I see he is so "dark" and I wish I could make it go away but I can't. Then I get sad and find somewhere in the house to go and cry so he doesn't see me because he's already depressed and I don't want to compound it. It is the hardest thing I've ever had to do - to watch my best friend and love of my life suffer the way he does. And I suffer too - but what else can I do? What else can any of us do? All we can do is give our best every day. Some days we rise above and some days we fall down. I guess what I'm saying is get up, brush yourself off and keep on going and do the best you can every day. Don't expect to be perfect - it's not fair to you and it's not fair to the person you are supporting in this illness. If you can keep loving each other in spite of everything you'll be alright - and don't be afraid to communicate. Sometimes you have to say "ouch" to the person you are taking care of so they know you have feelings too. And it's OK to cry - in fact I think it's essential. You have to have some form of release from your sorrow and pain. Some days we cry together. And some days we remember how to laugh too.

[DKbranom]

I am brand new to this and am very frustrated. My husband is stage 5, fistula surgery 7-1, dialysis when fistula is ready. Unless he crashes before then. He is a 100% disabled Vietnam Nam vet with PTSD. He knows what he has to do to stay alive but is in denial to a point. He chose dialysis @VA and listens to what he is told but I see him cutting out and seeming to mentally go somewhere else. We are both retired and spend almost all of our time together. He is really fighting the food battle, not taking responsibility for any food decisions just eating what he wants when he wants. I am used to the angry man with the mean hurtful comments, but I have to do everything, house, money, yard, etc... I need a web site to give me a listing of the 3 p's and sodium in 1 place. Trying to get this info is a shuffle through papers etc. Driving me nuts, if you know what I mean.

[DKbranom]

I know I'm not the only one with a spouse that is disrespectful, hurting comment, angry at the world. Nevertheless, this is a new challenge for me. It's not only being the only one who gets up in the morning to do the chores, care for the dogs, water outside, start the laundry, vacuuming etc, etc. but I watch him stay in bed 11 hours, then go to his recliner and sleep some more. Being brand new to this kidney problem, there is so much to digest. He was diagnosed stage 5 just a couple of weeks ago. My biggest frustration is the food issue. I put ups a White board to try to keep track but then he waits til I'm busy in the office or outside to fix himself food. When I ask what he ate he is reluctant to tell me, omitting an item or two. I am having a hard time trying to track the 3 p's and sodium. So I guess I'm just another spouse with the same problems others have.

[ffflower]

Dear DKbranom,

I'm am very sorry that you and your husband are experiencing a very difficult time. You have found a great site to come to vent. We understand your struggles. During this trying time is very important to take care of your own emotional and physical needs. Are there any family members, friends or neighbors that can help to ease some of your burdens? Is there someone that could speak to your husband on your behalf? Have you thought about marriage counseling? If he refuses to consider counseling, what about individual counseling for yourself? A care giver support group might offer a great place to voice your concerns and fears and more importantly gain much needed support. Is is very important that you know that during this stressful time that you need to be respected, heard, honored and never abused. This is a very hard time for both of you. Please keep us updated on your situation.

As for an all in one food list, I have found several that I like. Davita's food analyzer is very helpful. It list the 3P & sodium. It is located under Davita tools. I found a nephrology practice in Indiana which has a complete food list, too. Their website is www.nephinc.com. The kidney diet app for smart phones is very helpful, too. You and your husband will be in my thoughts and prayers.

[DKbranom]

Thank you for your input. My husband has been in counseling for years thru the VA group sessions and one on one with his psych. I was in group for spouses for years but this ended when we moved to a different town. And the counseling we got was based on PTSD but also covered other issues. He can be nice, when he wants to, but since I am the one living with him I get the worst of him. Now that he as been Diagnosed as Stage 5 he is nearly moving out of his recliner. Hr went to a lake with son and kids, camped in our travel trailer for 3 days. He wouldn't go out in the boat, which is ours, just stayed at the trailer. Said he had a good time, just rested. He "rests" at least 10-11 hours at night and most days spends 6-8 hours in his recliner. I am still here, which just goes to show that I care I guess. I am still frustrated with the food issue but after finding the food analyzer last night I began to feel somewhat better. Our kids are scattered, both in state and out of state, so they aren't able to help out. The youngest and her husband and kids are very supportive but due to jobs, etc. are not able to be here too often. So I will just keep trucking along, taking one day at a time. Thanks again for the input.