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I'm so done but have to keep going

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  • I'm so done but have to keep going

    I'm 20 and I've been a year on dialisys, I have three autoimmune diseases from a very early age before I was 14 and I've had more than 5 surgeries countless hospital stays, scars on my body(which is 40 kgs btw) and Im very depressed. I feel terrible from dialisys and I recently had covid. I don't want to set up a donation thing because I'm not sure if my new kidney isn't going to fail and all the money people gave me to be a waste plus I'm not sure if I will have a good quality of life even with a new kidney. What can I eat and do. My fistula is swollen and sometimes painful and I'm scared they will have to make a new one. I already feel like Frankenstein and I live everyday with the thought I could suffer and be disfigured even more. When will this all end? Can I have children? Will men even like me and accept me the way I am? How long do I have left? I already have blood pressure and pulse problems will I die from a heart attack? I can't quit because of my family who says I'm young and my whole life is in front of me. Yet I am more sick than some 70 year old women, I feel like my body is self destructing, I can't gain weight and feel sick from food. Haven't left my house in two months. I can barely go up the stairs. I can't sleep at night and I'm having pains and aches all over and my mind feels like it's being spurred and meshed every other day with all the waiting needle poking chemical imbalance procedures the anxiety and the sights and the lost time. I understand dialisys is a way for a lot of people to make money not for us to be okay, but I wish that if death has decided its my time for it to happen already because I push and I do but I'm crumbling over and I can't imagine continuing dialisys, when after a treatment I feel like I've just gone through something horrifically terrifying and I wish for it never to happen again only to wake up a day later repeating it again and again and again living in fear and pain knowing dialisys makes you worse in the longterm and constantly thinking about my access site and if I will be able to hold my gauzes until the bleeding stops or will I bleed out and make my life even harder.

  • #2
    Hi there, I just saw your post and I hope you are feeling better now.
    I can't imagine what you have been through in those past years, but I can see what it has done to your physical and mental health. I want to say that it will not always be like this. With better management of your pains and your depression some days will be brighter. Your depression seems to be increasing with also anxiety over many things. Depression and anxiety make things look and feel more dire and worse that they are. You have to know and believe this. You will feel better. You will gain weight. You will be healthier. You will look to your future and it will not be dim. Don't think about hope. Think about getting the right treatment. About following up with your psychotherapist. About eating your needed protein. About eating better in general.
    Depression does that. It makes you not want to eat. It makes you feel worse physical pain. It drives your brain to think about worst case scenarios. You depression can be a symptom of one of your autoimmune diseases. It is a chemical thing. So you need to get out of the house and go to your therapist. You need to know that this is not it. This is not all what is left.
    Feel better and take care of yourself.


    • #3
      Texikka2 thank you so much for sharing and putting into words how I feel so often but am afraid of because the feelings are so big. I am trying to find a psychiatrist who can get me on the right meds so I can see more clearly, less hopelessly and be a happier person. I wish so much for you and me and all of us to get better. And while we have to bear this burden that our journey can be more peaceful.


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