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  • #31
    Re: Jokes

    Milk and eggs

    This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:

    A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."

    A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

    He replied, "They had eggs."

    (I'm sure you're going back to read this again!)
    I received the GIFT OF LIFE on Nov 9, 2010 thanks to my wonderful donor Laura and her family!


    • #32
      Re: Jokes

      A middle aged woman decided to buy a selection of cosmetics to knock years off her age, after spending 6hrs applying the various creams and lotions, she decides to ask her husband what he thought.
      Tell me honestly, darling how old do you think I look?
      The husband replied, from your skin 23, from your hair 19, from your figure 22,
      Oh you flatterer she gushed!
      Wait a minute, he replied, I haven’t added them up yet.


      • #33
        Re: Jokes

        Dear Santa,

        My Christmas wish is for a fat bank account & a thin body.
        Please don't mix these up like you did last year!

        I received the GIFT OF LIFE on Nov 9, 2010 thanks to my wonderful donor Laura and her family!


        • #34
          Re: Jokes

          The teacher gave an assignment to her fifth grade class :

          Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

          The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

          There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.

          But then the teacher realized that only Janie was left.

          ... "Janie, do you have a story to share?'

          ''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy.
          She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit.
          She had to bail out over enemy territory,
          and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
          She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break,
          and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.
          She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets,
          killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke,
          and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.

          'Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?

          "Stay away from Mommy when she's drunk."
          I received the GIFT OF LIFE on Nov 9, 2010 thanks to my wonderful donor Laura and her family!


          • #35
            Re: Jokes

            A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, “sorry sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.”

            The cowboy groaned but didn’t budge. The usher became more impatient. “Sir, if you don’t get up from there I’m going to have to call the manager.”

            Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success.

            Finally they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “all right buddy what’s your name?”

            “Fred,” the cowboy moaned.

            “Where ya from, Fred?” asked the Ranger..

            With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied, “the balcony…”
            I received the GIFT OF LIFE on Nov 9, 2010 thanks to my wonderful donor Laura and her family!


            • #36
              Re: Jokes

              Hospital regulations usually require a wheel chair for patients being discharged.
              However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman
              already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet,
              who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

              After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

              On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
              "I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
              I received the GIFT OF LIFE on Nov 9, 2010 thanks to my wonderful donor Laura and her family!


              • #37
                Re: Jokes

                Dreadful News

                It's been reported in the news that an Irish family froze to death outside a Dublin Cinema.
                They had been quevering for 3 weeks to see the film "Closed for the Winter"
                I received the GIFT OF LIFE on Nov 9, 2010 thanks to my wonderful donor Laura and her family!


                • #38
                  Re: Jokes

                  A teacher decided to ask her second grade students a series of questions to gauge responses.
                  She asked:
                  1) where do babies come from?
                  "the stork" or "mommy's belly"
                  2) where does milk come from?
                  "cows" or "milk carton"
                  3) where does money come from?
                  "the ATM machine!!!"


                  • #39
                    Re: Jokes

                    Family Tree of Vincent VAN GOGH ..
                    (Pronounced - Van Go)

                    His dizzy aunt ------------------------------------------------ Verti Gogh

                    The brother who ate prunes-------------------------------- Gotta Gogh
                    The brother who worked at a convenience store ------ Stop N Gogh
                    The grandfather from Yugoslavia ----------------------------- U Gogh

                    His magician uncle --------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh
                    His Mexican cousin ---------------------------------------- A Mee Gogh

                    The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ----------- Gring Gogh
                    The nephew who drove a stage coach --------------- Wells-far Gogh
                    The constipated uncle -------------------------------------- Can't Gogh

                    The ballroom dancing aunt -------------------------------- Tang Gogh

                    The bird lover uncle -------------------------------------- Flamin Gogh

                    The fruit-loving cousin -------------------------------------- Man Gogh

                    An aunt who taught positive thinking ------------------ Way-to-Gogh

                    The little bouncy nephew ------------------------------------ Poe Gogh
                    A sister who loved disco -------------------------------------- Go Gogh

                    And his niece who travels the country in an RV --- Winnie Bay Gogh
                    I received the GIFT OF LIFE on Nov 9, 2010 thanks to my wonderful donor Laura and her family!


                    • #40
                      Re: Jokes


                      When we get older we think differently, don't we? This letter was sent
                      to the Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon
                      for the aged. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as
                      a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit
                      to all humankind.

                      Dear Kean Elementary:

                      God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior
                      citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Sprenger Home for
                      the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and
                      it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for
                      your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has
                      always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never
                      let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.

                      The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot
                      of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. Her distress over the
                      broken radio touched me and I knew this was God's way of
                      answering my prayers.

                      She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my a*s.

                      Thank you for that opportunity.

                      I received the GIFT OF LIFE on Nov 9, 2010 thanks to my wonderful donor Laura and her family!


                      • #41
                        Re: Jokes

                        Kids on Dating and Marriage

                        How Do You Decide Who To Marry?
                        You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. --Alan, age 10

                        No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. GOD decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. --Kirsten, age 10

                        What Is The Right Age To Get Married?
                        Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. --Camille, age 10

                        No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. --Freddie, age 6

                        How Can A Stranger Tell If Two People Are Married?
                        You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. --Derrick, age 8

                        What Do You Think Your Mom And Dad Have In Common?
                        Both don't want any more kids. --Lori, age 8

                        What Do Most People Do On A Date?
                        Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. --Lynnette, age 8

                        On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. -- Martin, age 10

                        What Would You Do On A First Date That Was Turning Sour?
                        I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. --Craig, age 9

                        When Is It Okay To Kiss Someone?
                        When they're rich. --Pam, age 7

                        The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. --Curt, age 7
                        The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. -- Howard, age 8

                        Is It Better To Be Single Or Married?
                        I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out. --Theodore, age 8

                        It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. --Anita, age 9

                        How Would The World Be Different If People Didn't Get Married?
                        There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? --Kelvin, age 8

                        How Would You Make A Marriage Work? Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck. --Ricky, age 10
                        I received the GIFT OF LIFE on Nov 9, 2010 thanks to my wonderful donor Laura and her family!


                        • #42
                          Re: Jokes

                          A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the
                          door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past
                          three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he
                          thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you
                          going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of
                          bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man
                          standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize
                          the man was drunk.

                          "Hi there." slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?"

                          "No, get lost, it's half past three. I was in bed." says the man
                          and slams the door.

                          He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she

                          "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke
                          down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the
                          baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us
                          started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get

                          "But the guy was drunk." says the husband.

                          "It doesn't matter." says the wife. "He needs our help and it would
                          be the Christian thing to help him."

                          So the husband got out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.
                          He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere
                          he shouts:

                          "Hey, do you still want a push?" and he hears a voice cry out
                          "Yeah, please."

                          Still being unable to see the stranger he shouts again "Where are

                          And the stranger replies: "Over here... on your porch swing."
                          I received the GIFT OF LIFE on Nov 9, 2010 thanks to my wonderful donor Laura and her family!


                          • #43
                            Re: Jokes

                            A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome. The employer read all his applications and said, "We have an opening for people like you." "Oh, great," he said, "What is it?" "It's called the door!"


                            • #44
                              Re: Jokes

                              A lady dropped her handbag in the bustle of holiday shopping. An honest, little boy noticed her drop the handbag, so he picked it up and returned it to her. The lady looked into her handbag and commented, "Hmm... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills." The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a purse, the owner didn't have any change for a reward."



                              • #45
                                Re: Jokes

                                May you always have Love to share, Health to spare, and Friends that care

                                Acute Kidney Function Loss 12/07 - GFR 39
                                Current GFR 46 - Stage 3 - Controlled HBP


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