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  • Livied on dialysis long ENOUGH

    Hello My name is not important but i just want to leave some record of me somewhere. My story, I have been on dialysis since the age of 5 from a strep throat infection that went to my kidneys i am now 36 bout to be 37. It could have gone to my heart or lungs but no it went to my kidneys. I have been in and out of hospitals since the age of 6. I had a transplant when i was 15 it lasted all of 4 months i got infected and all most killed me it was removed by emergency surgery and ended back n dialysis and due to all the medications i took while i had the transplant i am now severely immuno suppressed.I am currently on my 6th access and due to the countless surgeries(over 200) on my arms i have severe nerve damage and constant pain up and down my arm with the current access. I have lived my life to the fullest that i could and i work and was going to school but recently lost the one thing that was my reason for living. I am tired of dialysis im tired of hurting and being told that im just drug seeking. I don't want to suffer anymore i have lived a long hard life on dialysis it has been nothing but breeze. The Fraze "there's always someone worse than you" really has no meaning to me yes there maybe someone worst off but until you have walked mile in my shoes leave your comments in your pocket. Im not depressed although many of you will say that i promise you. I don't have many regrets in life other than the fact that i never had a family or any children but not every one in this life gets that luxury its like you mention dialysis to someone and they never call back . I regret that no parent should have to bury there child but my mother understands my decision and understands since she has been there to share with most of my pain in life. I wont say I live a great life not even a good life but i lived my life my way and that makes me happy. I have been with out dialysis treatment for 5 days now(2 tx) im feeling pretty crappy but even to leave this world i must suffer as i have lived. Yes i feel crappy at the moment and now the uremia is a horrible feeling but i have felt so much pain in my llife already its a minor set back to all that i have already felt. Thanks for listening .

    Somewhere in Texas!!!

    Lived but never Loved

  • #2
    I am so sorry you feel the need to "end it", I also understand that I have not walked in your shoes but I do have some insight into facing what seems like an insurmountable issue.
    Firstly, you speak of losing the one thing that made your life worthwhile, was it a "thing" or a person? People come into our lives for a reason and sometimes it's for a short time. If you look in the mirror, you are seeing the only person responsible for your happiness, anyone else is window dressing, they can enhance your life but they can't live it for you.
    How can you be SO sure that your are not depressed, have you consulted ANY resource to verify? Before you make such a drastic decision why not give therapy a shot? You never know, there might be someone or something, that will make your life exciting again, just right around the corner.
    I'm a mom, I too, would respect my child's wishes but only AFTER all avenues of help were explored. Don't give up, as you won't/don't get a 2nd chance to reconsider.


    • #3
      You say that you are not depressed, I don't think many are actually aware of it while going through it. I am 46, never married, always wanted kids and a wife, never happened. And due to severe esteem issues most of my life, never even in a serious relationship. I haven't had to deal with kidney disease until recently so we are different in that aspect, but a lot of what I read reminds me of what my scenario is. Yes it pains me at times that I never found a wife and a kid, but I look to two great Godkids, great friends, family, etc. and the line of people who said they would get tested to see if they are a match for me and realize I did something right. I never knew until I had to deal with this that I was even liked much less this much. Before you give up on life, be sure. You only have one crack at it.


      • #4
        Julezz, I can't begin to think imagine the physical pain you've endured over the years; however, as a life long sufferer of depression I know that when it's at its worse is when we least realise it. I don't know what precious thing you've lost recently and as painful as loss is, isn't it possible to heal that loss and find another just as precious, if not the same? You signed yourself, "Lived but Never Loved", yet you have a Mother who is willing to stand by your decision to let you go if that is what you need to do. As a mother myself, that sounds like someone who loves you very much,! That said, I understand, there comes a time when consumed by pain and assisted by machines that quality of life can be erroded to a personally unacceptable level, I only hope that you have sought professional guidance in making this decision and are doing so, clear eyed rationally and not as it sounds, in the throws of loss. Love is in the world in many forms, open your heart to them--my thoughts and prayers are with you.


        • #5
          just one important question? Where will you spend eternity? This life has given you many problems but you can make the most important decision of your life. Choose to give your life to Christ right now. By choosing Christ you can avoid Hell which is much worse than this life. I am sorry your life has been one of constant pain. I am praying you see this in time to make a decision to live your eternity with christ where there will be no more pain or tears
          Blessing I am praying for your very eternity, Hoofpkr


          • #6
            :'-/My Heart goes out to you<3


            • #7
              Wow. Don't know if you are still here or not... I understand your pain, from a caregivers point of view. I hope you have found what you want.


              • #8
                I find it hard to have sympathy for you when you have so much for yourself.
                Get hold of yourself and get off your pitipot.
                Courage is what you need, not sympathy.
                This, from one who HAS walked in shoes like yours.


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