Jokes - Welcome to the myDaVita Kidney Disease and Dialysis Forums

Announcement

Announcement Module
Collapse
No announcement yet.

Jokes

Page Title Module
Collapse
X
Conversation Detail Module
Collapse
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Jokes

    My doctor said I need to watch how I eat. Now I eat all my meals in front of a mirror.

    Yuk yuk.
    Discussion Forums Admin

  • #2
    Re: Jokes

    PARAPROSDOKIANS

    I had to look up "paraprosdokian". Here is the definition:
    "Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is
    surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation."
    "Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of
    paraprosdokian. Ok, so now enjoy!

    1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and
    beat you with experience.

    2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

    3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear
    bright until you hear them speak.

    4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

    5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

    6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

    7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in
    a fruit salad.

    8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then
    proceed to tell you why it isn't.

    9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is
    research.

    10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train
    stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

    11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

    12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case
    of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

    13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

    14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street
    with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

    15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a
    successful man is usually another woman.

    16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

    17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to
    skydive twice.

    18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live
    with.

    19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so
    they can't get away.

    20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

    21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

    22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you
    hit the target.

    23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

    24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

    25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing
    in a garage makes you a car.

    26. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that
    you look forward to the trip.

    27. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish
    they were.

    28. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and
    a shot of tequila.

    29. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire
    Department usually uses water.
    .
    I received the GIFT OF LIFE on Nov 9, 2010 thanks to my wonderful donor Laura and her family!

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: Jokes

      Dear Tide,
      I am writing to say what an excellent product you have.
      I've used it all of my married life,
      as my Mom always told me it was the best.

      Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better!
      In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse.
      My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was,
      and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.
      One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse!
      I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, to my surprise and satisfaction,
      all of the stains came out!

      In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday
      told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative
      and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer
      considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
      What a relief!

      Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect!
      I thank you, once again, for having a great product.

      Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.
      Your friend forever,
      Liz..
      I received the GIFT OF LIFE on Nov 9, 2010 thanks to my wonderful donor Laura and her family!

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: Jokes

        I have just got to quit going to this board while I'm at work. I work for the IRS and laughter is strickly prohibited.
        2000 - Doctors said I would be on Dialysis within 5 years
        2011 - Still Pre-Dialysis
        Sept 2011 - GFR: 15 Creatine 3.9
        Too much of a good thing can be wonderful. - Mae West
        Doing Good may not do any Good but do GOOD anyway

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: Jokes

          Originally posted by JustDee View Post
          I have just got to quit going to this board while I'm at work. I work for the IRS and laughter is strickly prohibited.
          definitely, NO HAVING FUN ALLOWED!!!!
          I received the GIFT OF LIFE on Nov 9, 2010 thanks to my wonderful donor Laura and her family!

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: Jokes

            Things you don't want to hear during surgery:

            Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

            Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.

            Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness.

            Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!

            Wait a minute. If this is his spleen, then what's that?

            Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie.

            Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

            Oops!

            Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?

            Damn, there go the lights again....

            Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of them.


            What do you mean you want a divorce?

            Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

            Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.

            What's this doing here?

            I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.

            That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!

            Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.

            Sterile, schmerile. The floor's clean, right?

            OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature!

            Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?

            Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.

            FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

            Darn! Page 147 of the manual is missing!
            .
            I received the GIFT OF LIFE on Nov 9, 2010 thanks to my wonderful donor Laura and her family!

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: Jokes

              For those of you who watch what you eat...Here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.



              1) The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

              2) The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

              3) The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

              4) The Italians drink lots of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

              5) The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.


              Conclusion:

              Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
              I received the GIFT OF LIFE on Nov 9, 2010 thanks to my wonderful donor Laura and her family!

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: Jokes

                HOW TO INSTALL A SOUTHERN HOME SECURITY SYSTEM
                1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of man's used size 14-16 work boots.
                2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine
                3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
                4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

                Bubba,

                Bertha, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour.
                Don't mess with the pit bulls; they attacked the mail man this morning and
                messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell
                from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.

                Better wait outside. Be right back.

                Cooter
                I received the GIFT OF LIFE on Nov 9, 2010 thanks to my wonderful donor Laura and her family!

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: Jokes

                  Haha, just don't forget to keep an eye on your false teeth also, might swallow it together with the food you're eating..

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: Jokes

                    2 women in heaven

                    1st woman: Hi! My name is Sandra.

                    2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

                    1st woman: I froze to death.

                    2nd woman: How horrible!

                    1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

                    2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

                    1st woman: So, what happened?

                    2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched,and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

                    1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive!!
                    I received the GIFT OF LIFE on Nov 9, 2010 thanks to my wonderful donor Laura and her family!

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: Jokes

                      A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson.


                      It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.


                      Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy, boy."


                      Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."


                      At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."


                      Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.


                      She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."


                      "Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William . .. . the little brat's name is Kenny
                      I received the GIFT OF LIFE on Nov 9, 2010 thanks to my wonderful donor Laura and her family!

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: Jokes

                        Once there was a family of skunks who lived in a hollow tree. There were two baby skunks. Their names were In and Out.

                        Now whenever In went out, Out came in, and whenever Out went out, In came in. If In happened to be in and wanted to go out, he would not go out until Out came in. And if Out happened to be in, and wanted to go out, he would not go out until In came in.

                        One day a big storm blew up, and the mother and father skunks were worried about their children. So they quickly looked around to see whether In was in and Out was out or if Out was in and In was out. Out happened to be in right then. The mother skunk said to Out, "Out, go out and bring In in, please. I'm worried about him."

                        Out said, "Sure thing, Mama." So Out went out, and for the very first time Out and In were out at the same time. Just a minute or two later Out came back in, and In came in behind him. For the first time in a long time In and Out were in at the same time.

                        The mother skunk was amazed. "Out, how did you find your brother so quickly?" she asked.

                        "Oh, Mama, it was easy," Out said. "In stinked!"
                        Stage 4 Chronic Kidney Disease, 17% renal function, 11 years
                        *Non diabetic *Non dialysis
                        High Blood Pressure, controlled


                        "Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God."
                        ~Corrie ten Boom

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: Jokes

                          Three social workers were sitting in the waiting room outside the pearly gates when St. Peter called the first one up to the desk.

                          "So, what have you done to deserve to come in here, my dear?" asked the old gatekeeper.

                          "Well, I was a psychiatric social worker at the local hospital. I worked many long hours under stressful conditions and helped to save many lives, " she said.

                          "Come right in, then, and make yourself at home for all eternity," St. Peter told her.

                          When asked what she had done to deserve to walk the streets of gold, the second social worker replied, "Well, I was a social worker at the local mental health clinic during my lifetime. I worked many long hours under stressful conditions and helped the team save many lives."

                          "Come right in, then, and make yourself at home for all eternity," replied St. Peter.

                          "Now, tell me what you have done to deserve to sing with the angels," he asked of the third social worker.

                          "Well, I worked for an insurance company during my lifetime. I worked many long hours under stressful conditions and I helped to save the company a lot of money," she beamed.

                          St. Peter looked puzzled for a moment, but then said, "Come right in and enjoy the wonders of heaven. But don't get too comfortable . . . you can only stay for three days!"
                          Stage 4 Chronic Kidney Disease, 17% renal function, 11 years
                          *Non diabetic *Non dialysis
                          High Blood Pressure, controlled


                          "Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God."
                          ~Corrie ten Boom

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: Jokes

                            MURPHY'S OTHER 15 LAWS

                            1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

                            2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

                            3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

                            4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

                            5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

                            6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

                            7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

                            8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

                            9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from California would be dumb enough to try to pass them.

                            10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

                            11. The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

                            12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

                            13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

                            14. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in the dark.

                            15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty
                            I received the GIFT OF LIFE on Nov 9, 2010 thanks to my wonderful donor Laura and her family!

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: Jokes

                              1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
                              Unique Up On It.

                              2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
                              Tame Way.

                              3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ?
                              They Take The Psychopath

                              4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
                              You Boil The Hell Out Of It

                              5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
                              Dam!

                              6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
                              Polaroids

                              7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
                              A Stick

                              8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
                              Nacho Cheese.

                              9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
                              Subordinate Clauses.

                              10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
                              Quatro Cinco.

                              11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
                              Spoiled Milk.

                              12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
                              Frostbite.

                              13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
                              A Nervous Wreck.

                              14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
                              Anyone Can Roast Beef.

                              15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
                              Right Where You Left Him.

                              16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
                              Because They Have Big Fingers.

                              17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
                              Because It Scares The Dog.

                              18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
                              Sanka.

                              19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover ?!
                              The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

                              20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
                              Because They Wore Their Belt Buckles On Their Hats.

                              21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
                              A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
                              A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

                              22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
                              Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.

                              Now, admit it... at least one of these made you smile. Or, in my case, groan!
                              I received the GIFT OF LIFE on Nov 9, 2010 thanks to my wonderful donor Laura and her family!

                              Comment

                              Back to Top
                              Working...
                              X