Stressed out and just looking for someone to listen - Welcome to the myDaVita Kidney Disease and Dialysis Forums

Announcement

Announcement Module
Collapse
No announcement yet.

Stressed out and just looking for someone to listen

Page Title Module
Collapse
X
Conversation Detail Module
Collapse
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Stressed out and just looking for someone to listen

    Hi, everyone,

    I am new to the forum and didn't know where else to turn. Six months ago, my fiance (we have been together 11 years) was diagnosed with stage 3 CKD after our rushing to the emergency room with what we thought could be heart problems due to his chest pain. We were scared but determined to get through it together. He drastically changed his diet and I have learned to cook CKD-friendly meals, and and he has stuck to it. I am so proud of him, and his numbers are all going back to a normal range, so if in six months he gets good results again, his nephrologist has suggested it might be acute vs. chronic. We don't know yet. However, he has read numerous posts on various blogs suggesting that this can happen but then suddenly he can be worse off than he was initially and his kidneys will start failing.

    I know I can't pretend to know exactly what he is going through, but he has become terribly depressed and I understand that it would affect a patient not only physically but mentally and emotionally. I am trying to be supportive, but about a month ago, he told me he doesn't know what he wants anymore. We were supposed to get married last fall but due to the diagnosis and another life issue, we delayed it and couldn't afford it anyway. Now he says, although he loves me, he doesn't want me to end up like my mom, who has cared for my dad most of my life (he has multiple issues - heart problems/congestive heart failure, has had strokes, a traumatic brain injury, and prostate cancer, and is now in hospice care). He doesn't want me to be miserable. He said he is afraid he might have, say, only 20 years left if that and doesn't want me to end up a young widow (he is nearly 39, and I am 40). I told him I would rather share 20 more years with him than to have nothing more. He has a daughter that I adore, and now I am scared to lose both of them. I cry a lot and I don't think there's even anything I can say or do at this point. I have suggested that maybe he needs some professional help and talk to some other patients to help him cope, but I don't want to force it. I just care about him and he is not himself. I am brokenhearted. I hope this doesn't sound like I am in it for myself...I just care about him but I don't want to lose what we have. I feel selfish and like maybe I should just let him go, but I would take care of him no matter what because I love him so much. I'd do anything for him. I want to respect his feelings and be strong for him, but it's hard. I pray a lot, but I just feel so lost.

    I'm sorry, I am just at the end of my rope and don't know anyone who cares for someone with kidney disease...just trying to reach out. Thank you for listening.

    Best of luck to you all.

    Susan

  • #2
    Re: Stressed out and just looking for someone to listen

    My heart goes out to you.

    With any challenge, obstacle, or fork in the road, there things we go through and endure that may not be communicative, but there is always someone who has been through it or something similar.

    I remember being diagnosed with Alport Syndrome(AS) through a kidney biopsy. AS is a genetic disorder than lead to CKD and End Stage Renal Failure (ESRF), not to mention loss of hearing and vision. When I got the news, I think I didn't blink for an hour. I just sat in the doctor's office, zoned out. I had just been married for five years and we were planning to start a family. I also thought my wife would be better off without me and leaving her in a world of hurt while she watched me slowly wither away.

    My mother also had her kidneys fail when she was 40. Mine failed at 33.

    I worked with my neprhologist. My wife was highly supportive as you sound to your fiancťe. With my dedication to work through this and to live my life as long as possible and as intense as possible, my attitude has changed. I used to live oblivious to just how fragile and precious life is. When I was forced into a possible time limit, I fought back. I decided to not have anything, not kidney disease or anything from that moment on, define who I am. I would define myself on my own terms. And seven years later, I'm still going strong. I'm on Peritoneal Dialysis and working full-time taking care of the son we brought into this world almost five years ago.

    No matter if you are in perfect health, have CKD, or a host of other conditions and ailments, look at life as LIVING not a burden.

    The more you do to live, the more you enjoy living.

    These words are for your fiancťe. Good luck to the both of you!

    -Ron
    Diagnosed with Alport Syndrome in 2004.
    Began PD on February 21st, 2011.
    On Transplant List since June 2010.

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: Stressed out and just looking for someone to listen

      i am 40 years old and on dialysis. at the age of 29 i was diagnoised with lupus. have had a lite stroke, a minor heart attack, and i have seizures, i have had a lumpdectomy, splindectomy, and a list of other things.. they gave me 15 months to live. then 1 years later my kidneys functions went to 52 percent, so i was on chemotherapy for 1 1/2 years. and then my kidneys went out completely and now i am on dialysis. with god and prayers it has been almost 8-years. The thing a want more than ever was my soon to be ex-husband to stand by me. he could not handle it and we have been supported for 4-months now. it is hard and lonely when you go through these things with no one. i personally feel like it is much better when the person you love is in your corner, holding your hands. they give you a reason to keep on fighting to live. when there is no one you stop fighting. you do not feel loved or needed anymore.

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: Stressed out and just looking for someone to listen

        Originally posted by patsy44 View Post
        i am 40 years old and on dialysis. at the age of 29 i was diagnoised with lupus. have had a lite stroke, a minor heart attack, and i have seizures, i have had a lumpdectomy, splindectomy, and a list of other things.. they gave me 15 months to live. then 1 years later my kidneys functions went to 52 percent, so i was on chemotherapy for 1 1/2 years. and then my kidneys went out completely and now i am on dialysis. with god and prayers it has been almost 8-years. The thing a want more than ever was my soon to be ex-husband to stand by me. he could not handle it and we have been supported for 4-months now. it is hard and lonely when you go through these things with no one. i personally feel like it is much better when the person you love is in your corner, holding your hands. they give you a reason to keep on fighting to live. when there is no one you stop fighting. you do not feel loved or needed anymore.
        Hi Patsy,

        Everything happens for a reason. Maybe your reason for the separation is to show you that you can be strong on you own.

        Iím single (for over 6yrs) I started PD 6 Ĺ yrs ago. Iíve proven myself how strong I really am.
        Although my family has been there for me when Iíve had hospital stays, Iíve gone to my drís appt and TX evaluation all by myself.
        Itís doable. Youíre stronger than you think you are!!!!!
        Take care!!
        Marina
        I received the GIFT OF LIFE on Nov 9, 2010 thanks to my wonderful donor Laura and her family!

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: Stressed out and just looking for someone to listen

          Suz,
          You sound like just the right person to have by your finacee's side!

          As you read through these forums, you'll see shock and denial all over in the "I'm new" posts. We all dealt with it differently, and it sounds like your man is wanting to hide and push you away. He doesn't truly want that, but there is some guilt being the one in the relationship with an illness or disease. It's very manly to be strong (apparently) and it sounds like he isn't feeling that way right now. It is hard to know what you want, when you don't know what will happen. It sounds like you two are doing things right because his numbers are improving.

          He's blessed to have your love, loyalty and support. Keep telling him what you told us. Even if he doesn't end up with you in the long run, he still has that lovely daughter to raise.

          I hope someone else will chime in and mention depression, which many CKD patients battle.

          I was diagnosed with CKD after knowing my (now) husband only 2 years. That was 12 years ago, and he was the donor for my second transplant. Relationships can make it through CKD.

          Best Wishes,
          Missie
          Diagnosed FSGS 1998
          Related Transplant 2004
          Unrelated Transplant 2009

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: Stressed out and just looking for someone to listen

            To all of you, thank you so much for the heartfelt and supportive responses. There are no words to express how much I appreciate them.

            It has been a tough day today...my fiance - not sure what to call him now - has chosen to be on his own at least for a while. He has left the door open but didn't want me to sit and wait for him. I can't see straight for crying all the time, but I have realized there's nothing I can do but try to take care of myself and be a supportive friend to him. It will be hard, because I feel more for him than friendship, but nothing I do or say seems to help. My heart is broken, but I know he's going through a lot right now and I cannot help him. I have encouraged him to join a support group or get some counseling, but I also know that that will do no good unless he is willing. I am in shock, as I really believed that we would work things out. I guess maybe we still will, someday...but right now, it looks bleak.

            I wish the best for all of you and you are in my prayers!

            Susan

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: Stressed out and just looking for someone to listen

              Snaps for you Suz for staying by his side. If I were you I'd make the most out of it. Being emotionally fulfilled and happy will make his day to day activities much easier. I hope he lets you stay.

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: Stressed out and just looking for someone to listen

                My fiancee/boyfriend/partner in crime/ has been on PD for a bit over 2 years. We met 1 year and 9 mos. ago. Since then, he has gone mostly blind, had gallbladder surgery 3 weeks ago, is diabetic w/ severe nueropathy( I think autonomic as well, as his peristalsis is next to halted). I educate myself, and question, and push the docs constantly. He is now on Zoloft, and doing well on it. He was never one to complain anyways. But the blindness, weakness and balance problems from the Metoclopromide make him pretty much a fixture on the couch. We had physical therapists come in to help him excersize, but he couldn't balance enough to to them. I got him a bass guitar as he used to play in his twenties, before a punch press amputated all 4 fingers on his left hand. i got him a video game that he can play golf, like a Wii, but he lost interest. I really don't know what else to do for him. I am starting to get wonky from staying in the house waiting for him to wake up, eat small things between the vommitting constantly, and go back to sleep. He mentions frequently that diabetics only last 3-5 years on PD. He's been on the Transplant list almost 2 years now. I hate that this is a sword of Damocles hanging over his head.
                We are looking to change clinics, as Fresenius bought out the one we go to an hour away, and they made us switch cyclers from Baxter and we hate the Liberty. We have gone through 4 cyclers so far, and the leaky bags and alarms, and loss of sleep has taken a toll on us both. Between the cycler, doctors appointments, puking, endless nothing days, meds, insurance crap, I am a bit lost now, Maybe losing two jobs over all this has me in a funk. I don't want to take any anti depressants, but wow, I am considering it. I have no help friends, or relatives here. Visiting Angels won't touch him, as he's a PD patient, so I am stuck for help. Dialysis social worker already tried. Blind, Diabetic and Kidney patients are just not in the right spread sheet for respite care.
                Thanks for the vent, I'm going to suck down some coffee and put on a happy face now.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: Stressed out and just looking for someone to listen

                  Suz,

                  I understand the stress of care taking all too well, Luke and I have been through kidney disease, diabetes, heart disease, gastropresis and now a kidney pancreas transplant. It has been difficult to say the least. It has required more patience, love ,faith and trust in God than I ever thought i had. Some days I wanted to cry all day, run away from home, scream, punch the wall, yell in my pillow. If I could trade places with him to end his suffering i swear I would. BUT we made it through and if it is meant to be it will work. You have an opportunity now to work on yourself and explore what you want to do with your life. Take care of yourself and everything will work out how it is supposed to.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Talk to God, and read his word, the bible. Just give him all your frustration, anger, depression, resentment, bitterness, He will show you a way.You may not understand when and where, You must just trust in him. And Never give-up, cause that's what Satan wants you to do. Good luck, from a 20+ yr, patient.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      What ever you do, Don't give-up, and don't let him give-up, Seek the Kingdom of God first, then all things will be added to you. Do it for the glory of God. God will answer in HIS own time, Just keep Going forward. and learn from the past.

                      Comment

                      Back to Top
                      Working...
                      X