He has been on the list for a kidney for over five years now (hes 47). He went from daily dialysis to nocturnal dialysis 3 times a week. As afraid as i am of needles i tell him all the time i will go through anything to give him one of my kidneys but he wont let me, He tells me if anything happened to me he wouldnt be able to live with himself.
No one in my family, not even really my dad knows how much it really affects me to think about everything he has gone threw and how sometimes i just wish that he didnt have to go through everything he does, and why cant it just be passed on to me... he has had enough already you know? When will he be able to wake up and eat a banana or drink some orange juice if he wants to? When will he get that call from the hospital that he has a kidney waiting for him...
There are times when i think about it all and i just sit in the bathroom and cry because people ask me how my dad is doing and i say hes good but i know deep down hes not doing so good and i know that day will come when my dad just isnt going to be able to handle his health anymore and it just hurts me so so much. Im not sure how to handle him going through dialysis. Im not sure how to handle when i know hes not feeling well because of his illness, i dont know what to think when im sitting there crying because i dont know what im going to do when that day comes that my dad cant do dialysis anymore.
I dont talk about this with anyone in my family because if i am weak towards my dad i am afraid it will make him upset and affect him somehow. I try my best to be strong for him, and i know he doesnt like talking about his illness or treatment. I shouldnt be so selfish,
Although i have depressed moments about him haveing this disease i do know that he lives life to the fullest and he works 60 hour weeks, and does more with himself than most people i know which is probably helping his health. He is a huge inspiration for those who feel like they just have nothing left and cant do it anymore.
I am very thankful to have my father for the time being i love him very much,., maybe one day he will get that call that a kidney is waiting for him
trying to cope the best i can as time goes on...=([/FONT]