I'm 31 years old. Works full-time. Single but in a relationship (going 17 months). Goes to school once a week. And I'm hoping to take more classes. Eventually. I have 3 siblings and a 14-year old niece. My parents are divorced.
One of my sisters and I live with our 60-year old mom. She has been on Peritoneal Dialysis for 4 years. So far, she is doing OK. Sometimes, she frustrates me because she still salts her food. Though I love her very much so I let her have her way most of the time. She knows what's right and wrong.
Since she and my dad are divorced. I'm left with taking care of her. And since she doesn't drive, I take her to her appointments, do the groceries, run errands, etc. And since she's scared to be alone, I can't make plans to hang out with my friends or spend the night over at my boyfriend's sometimes. She prefers me over my siblings to take her to her appointments because they can be very impatient with her and she feels a lot of pressure from them.
My struggle is when I want to hang out with my friends and not able to be spontaneous as much as I want to be. She starts her dialysis around 9p, so she needs to have her solutions prepared around 8pm. So, I prep most of the things she need.
I don't know why I'm sharing all this. I think I just feel frustrated that I can't live my life the way my friends live theirs. They don't have to worry about taking care of their parents. Most everyone is independent and live in their own little apartments. I miss having my own place. I miss my freedom. I sound so selfish right now, but trust me, my mom is always in my mind. I always put her first. Sometimes, I still feel that I don't spend enough time with her because I work full time. I leave work early sometimes to take her to her appointments; then, I feel guilty for spending the night at my boyfriends because I still feel like I don't spend enough time with her.
I feel really bad for saying all these things. I know I should cherish the moments while she can still do some things for herself and that she's still around. And I do. That's probably why I feel guilty when I hang out.